Obsessed with Cleanliness Chapter 19: Home

Xiao Tong curled up in the corner, clutching her phone. Jing Xing, afraid of startling her or triggering anything worse, didn’t dare get close.

She simply sat down on the floor and waited for Xiao Tong to come around. It didn’t take long, Xiao Tong actually did come back to herself. She slowly lifted her head, her gaze blank, and after a while, her eyes finally regained some focus.

Her memory was still fuzzy, and when she saw Jing Xing in her apartment, she blinked in confusion.

"A-Xing? Why are you here?" she asked in a daze.

Jing Xing didn’t know how to answer. But Xiao Tong had already remembered everything. The moment she saw the sharp knife on the floor, her expression tensed up.

"Did I have another episode?" she asked anxiously.

Jing Xing didn’t respond, and Xiao Tong immediately followed with, "Did I hurt you?"

"No. Don’t worry, Xiao Tong, I’m fine. Look, see? There’s not even a drop of blood on the knife."

Still skeptical, Xiao Tong glanced at the blade, then at Jing Xing. When she didn’t see any sign of injury, she finally relaxed a little. Then she noticed she was still holding Jing Xing’s phone in her arms.

She gave a small, embarrassed laugh, handed it back, and said apologetically, "Sorry about all this. That must’ve been really awkward."

Jing Xing took the phone and carefully asked, "Xiao Tong… do you remember what just happened?"

"I do."

"Then… you also know that you…" Jing Xing struggled to find the right words to describe Xiao Tong’s state earlier, but Xiao Tong just gave a light, indifferent chuckle.

"You mean my mental illness?"

She picked up the fruit knife on the floor, placed it back in the small basket on the coffee table, helped Jing Xing to her feet, poured her a glass of water, and then said casually, "I didn’t know before. But later… somehow, after I’d calm down, I’d start remembering things. And then eventually, I just… knew."

Xiao Tong hadn’t had an episode in years. She’d thought she was completely fine. Who would’ve thought she’d relapse so suddenly today, especially in front of someone else?

She had a long history of mental illness. It lasted around two years. To be more precise, she hovered somewhere between psychological trauma and a full-blown psychiatric disorder. Even doctors couldn’t quite define it.

That time in her life felt like hell. There was no one around her. Everyone seemed intent on pushing her further into the abyss.

Everyone… except for Yu Qinghan. She was the only lifeline Xiao Tong had left. Later on, even when Xiao Tong had given up on herself, Yu Qinghan was the one who clung to her desperately, dragging her back to shore.

"How did it happen?" Jing Xing asked.

She looked at Xiao Tong with concern, hoping for an answer. But she’d forgotten, what kind of good thing could push someone into complete despair? Jing Xing cared, but didn’t realize that by asking, she was ripping open an old wound Xiao Tong had buried deep for years.

Xiao Tong looked at her for a long moment, her expression suddenly guarded. Then, she asked, "You went to Rong County First High School too?"

"I did," Jing Xing answered.

Xiao Tong nodded, her expression growing distant. She took Jing Xing’s water glass, and with a slightly panicked look, started ushering her toward the door.

"I’m really sorry about what happened today. But you should go. I don’t want to see you right now."

As she spoke, she was already pulling Jing Xing toward the exit.

"Xiao Tong, what’s wrong?" Jing Xing called out, trying to resist as she was pushed outside. She gripped the doorframe and turned back with effort.

"Xiao Tong, if something’s wrong, can’t you talk to me? I’m really worried about you!"

"A-Xing, please don’t push me, okay?" Xiao Tong leaned wearily against the door. Her cheeks trembled, and she clenched her jaw so her voice wouldn’t shake as badly.

"A-Xing, I’ll do what you said. I’ll rest. Just… please go. Just go…"

"Don’t come back," she murmured against the door.

"If you push me again… I really will fall into hell."

Jing Xing froze. Her hand eased off the door. She didn’t try to force Xiao Tong to tell her about the past anymore. She didn’t want to push her to the edge.

All she wanted was to be part of Xiao Tong’s life. She wanted Xiao Tong to know that, besides Yu Qinghan, other people could treat her well too.

But clearly… she’d been too impatient.

Jing Xing slowly released the pressure she had been pressing against the door. With a soft click, the lock slid into place. She’d been firmly and completely shut out.

She stood outside the heavy security door, sighed deeply, and said softly through the closed door, "Then rest for a few days. I’ll come see you again later."

Xiao Tong didn’t hear her.

All she could think about was, why hasn’t Yu Qinghan come yet?

Those people… they were pushing her back into hell again. Last time, it was Yu Qinghan who pulled her out. But this time… why hadn’t she come?

Xiao Tong wrapped her arms around her knees, her back against the door. She sat on the floor, staring blankly ahead. There was nothing on the ground, yet she clearly saw a vast, dark abyss right at her feet. She was terrified. She hugged her legs tighter, trying desperately not to fall in. But the abyss kept creeping closer.

And just when she felt like she was about to fall. She heard someone knocking on the door again.

It was Yu Qinghan!

Xiao Tong’s eyes lit up, and she rushed to open the door. Without even checking who it was, she threw her arms around the person’s neck and clung to them like a lifeline.

"Qinghan… you came to save me… I knew you would… they… they were about to drag me down…"

She didn’t need to look, Xiao Tong knew it was Yu Qinghan. They had been together for twelve years. She was so familiar with Yu Qinghan that even the pattern of her knocks was different from everyone else’s, Xiao Tong could tell.

Yu Qinghan had come to save her.

Xiao Tong thought, Of course she came. How could she ever abandon me? She wouldn’t. She never would…

It really was Yu Qinghan. She had already returned to the country several days ago and had been meaning to come see Xiao Tong to talk things out. But every time she got close, her courage failed, and she backed out.

Today, after building herself up for it, she finally came. But before she could even step inside, Xiao Tong had thrown herself into her arms and once again, Yu Qinghan began to regret it.

She hadn’t dared to come, because she was afraid this would happen.

And yet, it still happened.

Yu Qinghan frowned and sighed inwardly, then gently placed her hands on Xiao Tong’s shoulders and leaned close to her ear, speaking slowly and carefully.

"Xiao Tong, I’m here. Don’t be scared. It’s okay. Let’s go home and talk, alright?"

"Home?" Xiao Tong repeated blankly, then again, "Home?"

"Yes. Home. Xiao Tong, let’s go home first, okay?"

"What home?" Xiao Tong let out a strange laugh from her throat. "Grandma died because of me, Qinghan. I haven’t had a home in a long time."

Grandma?

Yu Qinghan paused.

She narrowed her eyes, trying to recall a distant memory. Yes, there had been an old woman like that.

A warm and kind old lady, always wearing clothes patched in all kinds of places but they were always neat and clean, not a single stain. Even Xiao Tong’s clothes were like that, faded from washing but spotless.

The old lady had passed away suddenly, right during the time when Xiao Tong had her mental breakdown.

Yu Qinghan had arranged the funeral herself.

The place had been silent and empty. Aside from Xiao Tong, not a single family member came to mourn.

That day, Xiao Tong had been just like this—dazed, lost—smiling in a strange, unsettling way as she watched her grandmother’s ashes being buried.

She had said, "Yu Qinghan, from now on, I have no home."

What had Yu Qinghan said back then?

She had said, "Xiao Tong, from now on, I’ll be your home."

Such a firm promise, Xiao Tong might have forgotten, but Yu Qinghan remembered it vividly.

But in the long years since, through her growing frustration and distaste for Xiao Tong, Yu Qinghan had slowly worn away her feelings for her.

Now that she thought back on it, it felt like someone had sliced open her heart. Memories she had buried began to flood back, Xiao Tong hadn’t always been so exhausting. She used to be so good. So very, very good. But… there was someone even better.

Mo Xiyuan, that was the woman Yu Qinghan truly loved. Thinking of Mo Xiyuan, Yu Qinghan’s reopened heart began to close again, hardening.

Mo Xiyuan was the happiness she had struggled to grasp. She couldn’t give that up for a moment of weakness toward Xiao Tong.

"Who says you don’t have a home?"

Yu Qinghan carried Xiao Tong back inside, laid her on the bed, tucked her in, then leaned over her and said, "Xiao Tong, this apartment, you bought it with the first money you ever earned. Don’t you remember?"

"I remember. I paid the down payment, and I only had two hundred yuan left in my pocket. I lived on plain steamed buns and water for a month."

Xiao Tong gave a faint, shy smile. "Everyone said I was dumb, but I wasn’t."

"This place has a big balcony, I remember. You loved balconies the most, Qinghan."

Yu Qinghan felt another wave of pain swell in her chest.

She had come today to break up. But now… she was starting to feel reluctant to let Xiao Tong go.

She wondered, If I say it now, will Xiao Tong lose it?

But then she thought—— Xiao Tong already has.

Maybe I should wait.